fwcu | everything is about winning and losing

there are probably a lot of layers to this winning and losing thing, for example it was exoomr's brithday party, which was fun and nice and she seemed happier about my friends being there instead of my being there which could mean nothing or something, or I'm overthinking it; every house party I go to I'm filled with this vague notion that I will meet someone and hook up and that will be that, except that kind-of never or barely happens, and statistically, because these things happen at these places, it has to fly by at some point.

okay here is how making out works mechanically:

mouth and tongue. a lot of it, or most of it. a movement of mouth against mouth is a very accurate description, but it was a lot of tiny kitten licks as well as small slight sucks to certain parts of the mouth? basically because of how you suction your lips, essentially you can only get one third of the mouth at once, and you have to pick between upper and lower lip. gross. i brushed my teeth before this, so I'm assuming N had a better time than I did, because I was kind of sort of grossed out by the alcohol on her breath, and also grossed out in general about the mechanics of it, like kissing is much wetter and grosser and sloppier and less coordinated than you expect it to be, and also I wish there was a better learning curve to it, but it was truly a situation where *I* was getting kissed quite aggressively or a normal amount and I was like, well I have to learn how to do this back in return or else it's going to be really shit, but I don't want to reciprocate so much as to make her think I want to do this more. so that was an interesting balance that maybe did not pay off.
you would assume noses would be more of a problem, but I don't necessarily think that's true... like they do brush and sometimes it is awkward, but it's fine and sort of a nonproblem. i really think breath matters slightly more. i was wearing my jean jacket for most of this, and that was the real problem, because I really could not figure out what to do with my hands, though I curled one around her waist at some point, and the other just sat there in my lap or on the floor because I wanted to touch her bicep, that seemed about the only place that wasn't going to be too awkward, because she was holding onto my shoulders and cheek, and sometimes would get too close to my neck, and it is really hard to have a ticklish neck/jaw area in this situation. not super recommended for making out, or trying to seem okay with it. this really had felt like a situation where this girl was really into the situation, if not me, and I was the accessory to making it happen and I was like okay, well I should do my best not to ruin her immersion. though, verbally, many times, I did try to get her to think back on her decision like, I really do think I did my due diligence in letting it be known that I was a virginal loser who had never done this before and did not know what I was doing and therefore any failure in performance is on that and not on anything else.
it was like, better in the aftermath? like the active act of kissing is not great, though the further your tongue or someone's else tongue is in a mouth, the better it works, it's kind of worse when it's all just lip action and a little bit of tongue rather than the full-frontal tongue. but it was way better when you separate and then you sit there like okay, I guess that was nice, whereas in the moment it's just all I'm getting is wet and slimy and alcohol breath. it's all about the afterglow you guys I guess. I would assume there are minute things that could/would make this somewhat nicer, but I do think the brunt of the action and the sensation is what I'm most opposed to.
she was a lot more feminine/femme than what I would usually go for, this did not mean she was not hot, because she is a baddie. it's just, because femininity is so linked to presentation/performance especially grooming, it was really easy to notice and catch onto that. for example, I knew that she had shaved all her facial hair, and being in such close proximity also allowed you to see the spots where it was growing back and when i touched her chin and jaw I could also feel the pinpricks of how it was growing back, because obviously when you shave, especially when it's just beginning to grow back and isn't so fuzzy, it's sharp because it's jutting out at an angle. in the same vein, her nails were dark red acrylics in a shape i liked, and she had a very thin line of eyeliner i enjoyed, and I know from previous conversations, that she has very naturally done eyelash extensions. her hair had also been recently dyed (as one does after a break-up) and gelled back to retain a really neat and flattened part. this girl is genuinely really beautiful. her face is like teardrop upon teardrop, and droopy at most angles in a way I really like personally. as I have told her multiple times. in the kind of offhanded way, you as a girl who understands how str8girl to str8girl communication and compliments work, and also as a generally facetious person who finds compliments as the easiest method of sparking conversation and/or immediate goodwill in others
I felt really bad because I was either leaned back against her bed, or against the bathroom wall, and sort of stiff as a board both times, due to wearing a somewhat constrictive dress and also still wearing my stupid/cool jean jacket which sort of limited the kind of mobility I had with my arms due to the stiff bearing of the fabric. and also, after I felt like I had the basic gist of how making out works and therefore did not need to accrue more experience about it, I was kind of keen on going back to the party, but at that point had also felt as though I had made a commitment to this act and had to see it through, and also was being told a lot of information that made it seem like I should be going along with this more in order to have the episode end happily and well rather than in a more disheartening manner. afterwards, having been told that party makeouts are not serious and mostly about right time and random choice/chance, I was like ah um, hm okay, so I was in many ways swindled and lied to and had been victim to a churlish scheme, kind of, sort of.
anyway there were long breaks in between getting in the kisses, where I was told, multiple times, that I had a sort-of je ne sais quoi about me that was attractive to her. before this, I was told she found me generally cool due to reading books and knowing about history, so statmaxxing on literary nerd shit does work out for women as well. her actual pick-up/overt flirting line was: You are so correct about everything all the time, so much so that if the day of judgement [said in arabic] was tomorrow, i believe you would be revealed as god. You are God. which, other people seemed to find funny and charming and 'good rizz' and I felt deeply confused and somewhat plussed about because that is a strange and bewildering thing to say to someone that cannot in a good conscience be interpreted as 'respectable' flirting, just the normal rizz for me please, mostly, is kind of how i felt about that. Like I liked it when it was a really funny absurdist conversation bit, it kind of got more offputting by the point where she was using it to describe that she was so 'down bad' for me [my words] that literally anything I was saying was doing it for her, down to describing with fear and apprehension that, seriously, really I am an uninitiated virgin who was going to do a really bad job about it. listen, and I felt this at the moment too, but I really was playing the part of the autistic man that a baddie was chasing. it was really interesting to play that part rather than spectator or the chaser. at one point, she was getting me to compliment her and I said some things about her face, similar to what I said above, and she nodded and she was like 'you can understand I feel similarly about your face' and I didn't want to talk about it, due to the objective facts of personal care and grooming and et cetra, so I just said I did so we didn't have to talk about it more. she was fixed on this idea that she has had a vague interest in me for two or so years, and knew from the first time we met and I complimented her in a triageistic way, combining something about her humour, her beauty and her person into a neat string of words. I was sort of skeptical about this, but considering there was someone else also present at the party who I felt similarly about and probably would act the same towards if given the opportunity she had with me, I mostly understood what she was getting at. she kept saying this was the best makeout she's ever had, and I was getting really bamboozled in the moment, because I understood her to have had a lot of experience with men, and having done this many times before, and knowing that I was making a bad showing, so in retrospect I am citing it down to her general drunkenness. oh she also said, that she was paying attention to me at the last dinner we had together even as no one else was, and that I was her second bisexual awakening, as in the second girl she's 'liked' since she realised she was bisexual. this is all for the sake of recollection and not because i am taking these at full frontal face-value.

non-mechanical, more metaphysical (metasocial?) things:

social interloper: you know there are things you do because you want to accrue more experience in life, just so that when you write, not necessarily to write about it, but just in writing, you have a fuller more-lived in understanding of life that somehow abets the process in some way. but maybe we're going about it all wrong, maybe it's more interesting or maybe it would be more novel in some ways, to read about life from someone who often feels like a social interloper, even when they are the declared object of desire having desire enacted onto them. the thing that I was thinking about, other than my rote observational notes, was that refrain: "one must experience life in order to write about it" because desire is about fantasy, except fantasy when manifested is about experience, and experience is about writing, because everything becomes writing to a guy like me, who is a guy that understands the philosophy of writing as elif batuman does who based her understanding of writing on proust and the like. shout out to isaac babel who i still haven't read. anyway, this is probably a thought that most people don't have, but some people do have. so it did not necessarily make me feel abnormal, especially because I had become very aware of the fact that this girl (woman) was attracted to me because I was a necessarily strange and fucked up person like so, who would think about shit like this while she made out with me sloppily. in fact, she'd probably get a kick out of this post.
I really wanted to go back to the party for most of this episode. which is, yeah, man. at some point, I was like "Wow! I wish I was hanging out with my friends and having conversations" which was not really happening in the room. this is my fault for being sapiosexual and also for being posessed by the spirit of ciel because I was having hella FOMO, as one does. which is crazy, I cannot overstate how novel and new and wild and strange and crazy the thing I was actually doing was.
famously, most of my understanding of how party/onthefly makeouts happen is from my exoomr, who describes herself as having 'nerdy rizz'/'dorky rizz' and everytime I opened my mouth trying to communicate how insane this situation was with heavy subtext implying we should give it up here, that was the phrase coming to mind because she really was not being convinced no matter what stupid shit I said and instead would use that to cling more. isn't that crazy. didn't like that. I've talked about this in theory before, but I really would prefer to be in control of desire in a situation and I would also really prefer to be the guy who had more of it, just because of this kind of mental logistic. like it is so much easier for me to get rejected (i give up fast), than it is for me to do the rejecting or say no or do the thing I really want, rather than the thing I think is probably more socially acceptable and aware. isn't that crazy.
okay this is a two-sided prong about hot girls. baddies. women who are beautiful and understand it et cetra. like it also felt like I was saying yes or going along with it, for quite a while longer than I would've otherwise, because she was beautiful and hot and objectively, or subjectively, or conformatively, you should take any chance you get with someone who is majorly out of your league and down for it and who you have no actual serious chance with otherwise. but maybe this is not true, maybe it's just about someone who I personally find appealing, whether in a romantic sense or not, and want to make sure they have a good time about it. like it was very much a mileage situation, i think, where it's true fr fr that mileage may vary, because it was kind-of important to me that she gets something/as much as possible out of this because it seemed like such a big deal to her, while I was like okay I can get the exp from this and that can be not as much as I hoped or not as worth it as I hoped or not this or that. this is what I mean by everything is about winning or losing, because if her goal at the party was to make out with someone, specifically me, she succeeded and achieved that and won, and if I walked in with no such goal or no similar objectives, then I won nothing and that's on me a little bit for not being so ambitious but also on me for getting hoodwinked and bamboozled a little bit. like I guess it was kind of like, you walk into a situation where you get to make out with a baddie and it feels like both you and the baddie profit, but actually the baddie profits way more than you do.
but this the second prong, like. we ascribe so much social status or a sense of achievement of getting with someone hot, or making out with someone hot or getting the chance to be with someone hot. and this is specific to women more than men, and it's just kinda like man. did i do that because that's the thing you're supposed to feel like you need to do because of this sexist sense of achievement we place upon it? that's fucked up. that also feeds into hot girls getting their way with unsuspecting interlopers because of whatever.
so you had a bad time? no. well i don't really know. I think sounds quite negative because I have so many criticisms, but mostly I hope me and this girl are chill because I genuinely did like her as a friend. also I'm kind of mad because another lesbian we know has a theory that it's weird actually for women to cuddle and be touchy because everyone's afraid of gay desire and being touchy expresses that, and I figured me and N were just touchy/cuddly people in general but nooooo it had twisted evil gay intention veneer behind it, so.... no one in the world wants to platonically cuddle their homies?
mostly also, I'm kind of deeply upset and hurt by how we ended up talking about it afterwards? just in the rhetorical sense. it was, probably not to the intention of anyone in any of these conversations but it was like, everything I relayed about the experience and actual things that were said to me, being relegated to "she was drunk", "this is a rebound", which are neither wrong nor upsetting in and of themselves, except that they all lended to the argument of "this was convenient for her and you were there" like I know it was in part to combat my worries about it being more serious than I wanted it to be, but I feel like there has to be a middle ground between "she actually does like you as a person, and there was some level of sentimental and or real attraction to this" and also "this is a one-off that is not that serious and you don't have to worry about it" ... because, well I think it is kind of fucked up to say the amount of things she said to me and the the amount of times she reiterated certain aspects, and this was all because 'people say things like that when they're drunk and hooking up' like maybe they really seriously do and I didn't know and do need to be told so, but then I would feel like it's fucked up that people can just lie to you for the sake of it! it's not that i didn't do similar kinds of subterfuge so maybe it's hypocritical of me to say so, but it's also just like damn... I am actually extremely the kind of person who would rather be told this is for kicks and giggles than be emotionally compromised into a situation like... this is where the autism pt2 is happening like.... please I am of freakish enough nature that I would much rather prefer it otherwise be treated like fun sleazy science experiment from the start than be paid lipservice!
again, this also relates back to how this started, which was me not realising this was meant to be a flirtatious interaction from the start, and then cry laughing for the first five minutes after my exroommate gestured to us and said we should make out, at which point i looked over to her and realised this was actually quite serious for her, at least at the moment, and then laughing more because this is truly a situation that was like 1+x=4 like girl I am not 3, you're looking for a different x ... like on a real social level, this was not a plausible scenario to me. on an asexual level, again not a real plausible scenario. on a level of there actually being a secret xfactor at the party that I would've done this with and it was not this girl, who was next to me, who was both entertaining and funny and and beautiful who i really wanted to be friends with and close with but not necessarily make out with. but I did it anyway, because it is the kind of thing you do at parties and the kind of thing you do to accrue experience, and the kind-of thing you also regret maybe, but because you're morally victorian in nature and your body rejects any romantic gestures and overtures and leaves you with a sense of nausea afterwards, that is unfortunately not related to the hangover. that's fucked. some things happen.

is this the part where we have to talk about my self-esteem?

okay this part is awkward and mostly I think I make a valiant effort at not showing it or defaulting to it although it's quite obvious from many and various angles. but I do think, in no small part due to my own personal efforts and ability in Not Caring Too Hard About It, the discrepancy between what the actual sentence is, and how much I let it show is A Lot. I think this is probably also true for most people.
weirdly enough, probably the most positive reinforcement that was offered to me about this escapade is that exoomr went 'look I offered/wanted to make out with N before and she's said no, but she didn't to you' and this was related to N not being into mascs et al, but also just a little weird from a dickjerk angle, and lastly, like iirc, again because exoomr is my basis for understanding how a lot of this romance/sex/attraction/desire works, and the only time she's pulled a similar stunt led to her own understanding of herself as attractive and capable of pulling bitches et al et al... so actually this doesn't really help me because I don't want to pull bitches and don't care about whether or not I'm attractive, because as we've covered earlier, I prefer to be the guy who is attracted to someone, so the endpoint of this once again turns to. are we supposed to feel better about ourselves just because someone hotter than us wanted us one time and that's some kind of show of something? like is that the normal takeaway. okay I understand the most normal takeaway is that yesss this egoboosting fun thing happened to me, that was sick, I'm not going to write a long post trying to process what kind of value this event has added to my life. but seriously. some of us don't have these events happen to us regularly, and we also don't want the same things that most other people seem to want, so. where does this leave us.
no I'm not trying to be an abnormal and irregular person about this, hopefully actually, most of this reads as normal thoughts people have after making out with someone at a party for the first time, and that way I can feel special and good instead about giving voice to the voiceless-but-feeling masses who feel seen and understood by me being able to put the thoughts and sensation into words. that would be sick as fuck wouldn't it.
obviously what it is, is that you don't want her to be able to complain, not that she would, about you being a bad kisser or this being a mid to less than experience, and that's why you spent that much time stressing that this would be something you were bad at and unused to and also did want to get out of as fast as possible, and now, having been convinced that this was a one-off and no one was taking it seriously, that hopefully she is not thinking that you had taken it more seriously than she had because at some point she asked how often you came downtown and your next thought was like, um, well, I'm leaving the country in a month or so, which is kind-of bad because now it looks like you expect it to be more than a one-off or not, which I really don't think so, but if that's how it read, that's how it read. and she later asked when you were coming back, and that was going to be at the end of august, which could have been her seeing how long she would be able to avoid you for, because that's also probably a course of action that people take, or rather than avoid the word maybe is 'have buffer time' about... as it goes.... well ... in the end, it is that you feel bad and are sort of romantic and sexually negated
actually your biggest takeaway was something vaguely heteropessimistic rather than hopeful about the greenge pastures of saphhic encounters, like. this is the kind of thing that I do for the sake of guy I really really liked, because that seems to be, to me, the end goal of Romance or Eventual Future Marriage, where I really like the person and enjoy our interactions and can deal with the stuff I don't like that comes with being in a relationship, which, as it looks more and more likely by the day and hour and minute, the sex and actual romantic parts.

also. I keep forgetting to mention this but it is quite important to note that N has the most beautiful colour of natural lipshade ever, because she's already so pale her lips are also naturally pale nude pink and it's really really nice! it's quite striking! i personally really really like it and it's part of why I find her really pretty!