almost-perfect blue notes

[fwcu]

perfect blue, phaidei, rated m for Violent Imagery, 6k

>wow the way this was one of the only fics I wrote this year that I actually liked upon completion [the other being inheritance] ... not sure what that says about me or how i feel about the quality of my writing. but it's true that I sort of was like, let me invent groups of 3, run-on sentences and montaging from first principles once again. and that's how we're here. let me try to explain this in full meaningful sentences.


psychically, this is a fic about mydei being the omelas child. i see why this could cause some confusion though. the approach for this fic was also >okay let's approach mydei growing up in the sea of souls for the first ten years to it's logical conclusion. like that's canon and that's the thing that happened to him, what does that imply?

• you: ISN'T PHAINON THE ONE WHOS OMELAS CHILD?, since he's the Bearer of the Curse and the guy in the eternal recurrence and et al et al. and yes. but he's the Omelas Adult. like yes, you're supposed to draw the parallel between them both having to face extreme isolation and the endlessness of their slog forward at opposite points in their journey ... though ideally also, you have read that tweet going around about how mydei almost achieves peace but then has to leave okhema to fight the black tide until oblivion, so he will [always be at] OR [always return to] this shore.
• also like. is he not the omelas child? newborn baby sacrificed to the sea of souls in order to preserve the [supposed] eternal glory of castrum kremnos/eurypon... like genuinely child who spends the first 10 years of their life not understanding why they are left here just to suffer...
• I also just wanted to combine the aspects of like [premium mobile: restraint] x [mydei will never feel like he belongs anywhere] x [unwanted cursed immortal body] into this theme of a guy who is uncomfortable everywhere because he is uncomfortable in his own body, and part of that is always have to restrain his more violent urges, not feeling like he is a Human or wme in the way everyone else 'supposedly' is, and obviously also, the little prince line, once 'tamed' you can never go back to being wild... so like genuinely this feeling of discomfort with his own self and place in this world and the things he's expected to be and do ... which i think is one of my readings of mydei, that's why my summary is what it is. whatever it is he wants out of his own body or his life, is always going to be out of reach.

• i also just really liked the image of the wretch of a child on the shore ... i like that there's a sort of innate connection of mydei with the sea and phainon with the sky even though they actually have sea and sky demigods respectively...
• i feel like i gave away all the imagery and tangents i was drawing within the fic bc i was like >no one’s gonna know… no need to make anyone think… as I am tuned into #phaidei_twt and well aware of what people seem to like and think… and so like obviously phainon dreaming about this during the month of the gate, which from the ampho_calendar text: "As the first month of ridding the old for the new, Janus closes the old door representing the past, and opens the new door representing the future. They are both the door and the lock that guards it, cleaving the past from the future like a sharp ax. During this month, people will discard objects that bear bonds (such as keepsakes from past lovers or deceased family members), declare that they are severing the past, and step forth into the future — this act is completely voluntary."
• so, there's the whole thing where this is mydei's past and To Mydei, it's something he's discarded/forgotten/Does Not Matter anymore, which is part of the annoyance of 'what was it like to grow up like a prince' not only because mydei never grew up like a prince, but also because he doesn't think it mattersss...! like i genuinely think it's so fucked up that people ignore how mydei's themes deal with migration and exile, and so much of the story of CK is then about mydei trying to leave it behind but it keeps pulling him back. as it does in this fic.
• same with mydei's dream in the month of weaving. the entry goes: "The month when the fall harvest is completed. During this month, people will reminisce on their experiences over the year. Mnestia collects everything and weaves them into golden threads of memory. This is a month of family gatherings to enjoy the good times. Leisurely individuals will be weaving at home, and weaving-related festivals will be held this month."
• like yes obviously the mnestia thing, but also like... you need to remember this sight/phainon will always remember this/mydei is a character who wants to forget and phainon is a guy who will always hold on ... but also, here is a memory where phainon's grief/rage the thing that draws him to strife, shows how strife has rendered his perception of the world asunder... and mydei, going into the month of strife after this [and presumably, in my mind, when he has his eurypon encounter] is seeing a vision of strife and what it does and what fuels it... also i don't know it's that clear, but mydei has his dream in 9th month/[x-1]year and phainon has his dream in 1st month/x year

other things about this fic

• the central conceit of phainon constantly asking 'what was it like to be a prince' is not only, mydei is so clearly the heir to strife that he wishes to be, and he's doing moping/angsting/emo/inferiority complex/picking at scab about how mydei must have been Raised for this Role, like he was Born Into It, like he has always known his destiny and his place and everything from his family to his name to his people to his prowress, has led him Here. he gets the sort of perfect story and perfect destiny that phainon so badly wants for himself, but doesn't have.
• and then obviously, contrast that assumption to what does it actually mean to be born to inherit strife. like what is a game of comparison for phainon to see where he falls short, where he's better suited, is like an extremely pointless exercise in lamenting/misery/self-flagellation/etc to mydei. like i think the thing about mydei's character is that he is Very Resigned To Fate, and ready to struggle against it knowing it's fruitless, versus phainon who wishes so badly to be destined for His Thing and wants so badly for his fate to come true... monkey paw figure situation. that was what the fic was trying to get at
• pygmalion/galatea references throughout....well ofc phainon is the perfect statue come to life by grace of aphrodite/mnestia... something something yet another subversion of who is actually being shaped into their role and 'crafted' 'made' 'groomed' for it versus who has just been thrown into it... or maybe they've both been shaped/nurtured into their respective shapes but with very different hands LOL...

the last line: "Come here, he wanted to say, but he knew Phainon would be afraid."

• i actually really wanted to write 'afeard' instead of afraid as a reference to caliban's line from the tempest. which if you're familiar with that line, then you know exactly what i'm getting at. that mydei is indeed this half-man half-beast given speech but he would not hurt phainon, whether in intimacy or anything else. but also that the thing phainon is afraid of. not just romantic closeness/intimacy with mydei, closing that distance but also ... the omelas child of mydei. knowing that mydei was/is/will be that wretched inhuman creature. that's the thing strife will render him to, that's what becomes of them all, that as the symbol of their eventual fates... etc etc etc...
• i guess there's also some room for [mis]characterisation which phainon here... because i don't think he's necessarily a coward? but it's true that, by virtue of his position in the narrative, he is doomed to fail. and i think it's that fear of failure that's sort of drives my interpretation of his character here... and sometimes generally. whether he knows he will fail or only thinks it, whether he goes in headfirst believing he can or not, he does falter. there is something fundamental, by virtue of story/code/tb-glazing/whatever, that will stop him. so that's why.

other things:

• this was supposed to have a sex scene. to make up for the only steamy moment being mydei/hephaestion. which btw >mydei's necklace being too heavy on his shoulder, his armlet too big for his arm... hasn't grown into his position yet, hasn't become the prince yet, yadadada... again ill-fitting for his role, which is also part of the whole thing about why someone would want him or not... also not sure if it was obvious but that was mydeiussy. anyway i didn't know how to fit it in and i didn't want to fit it in.
• the other i really really loved by the end of this fic was the word-trick. the fact that even it's trick of words/wordplay/etc... "Was that what Strife was? The trick between the words?" not sure that this line made sense to anyone but me, but obviously it's about how strife is the equilibrating(?) force between two discrete categories. the slash between the [either / or] it's not about what either category is, but defining of what wins when... idk am i explaining it well? i really liked this paragraph in general... like i guess Strife is the inability to submit to any one idea goal etc basically... which again, mydei neither a man or a beast ... neither a prince or a wretch ... something that is always constantly fighting against either distinction... 
• i think... people talk about how phainon's flaws are much more glaring in fic whereas mydei is sanitised, and some of this fic does fall into that but also like...imagine this fic from the POV of a guy with RSD. and imposter syndrome. and insecure-avoidant attachment style. and you were a people-pleaser with survivor's guilt. you'd be like >Mydeimos, what the actual fuck. dawg... give this man a bone. which hopefully i'll write that fic at some point. it's been rotting in my docs for a minute... 
• and i think that's sort of a hard balance to get with Mydei, in his POV, because things that are socially normal to him are not to okhemans in general, and on top of that, even more confusing and complicated for phainon, who has all those self-cognition issues and problems LOL
• i guess i feel like the thing i didn't get at [well] was that mydei has always been barred from the things he wants. but it's in the summary. like i think you know that reading the fic. which i didn't explicitly write it out in the fic although i did. 

 
other other notes: 

• I sort of don't believe that phainon, famously avoidant, insecure about everything and doesn't trust himself with anything, would be the [fell first] or the [fell harder] like i think he's stuck on step 0.5 of being able to admit that attraction is a real thing and he could feel it... like he lacks theory of mind For Himself. he doesn't know what that is. or that was the approach for this fic.
• i just feel like Feelings for phainon would be a far more complicated process than for mydei [who probably simplifies everything down to [what can be done] [what shall be discarded]] because he has so many expectations of himself and feels so burdened by other people's expectations... like [tapping at screen] it's SHIMA_SKIP_TO_LOAFER ONCE AGAINNNNNN... everyone go read the 'my feelings are like sand... slipping out of my fingers...' 

lastly, my personal favourite line from this fic:

What he was, Mydei could barely understand. What the game he played was, Mydei thought the rules seemed to change every day.

 

Where the line was, seemed to vary by Phainon’s whims; a blessing offered by Kephale himself. To shift the world beneath Mydei’s feet as he wished. The unsteady nature of his friendship, Mydei thought, was similar to the sea he’d grown up in. A deeply familiar sensation amidst an ever-unfamiliar man.